In between thoughts, worries, hopes

In between thoughts, worries, hopes

Chris and I spent most of the week in a daze.  Together we were researching all we could about breast cancer, treatments, surgery and the cancer surgeon himself, Hernan Vargas, M.D.  Individually we keep our thoughts, feelings and fears mostly to ourselves.  Although, there are moments throughout week that we admit to each other that we have them.  Chris is encouraging and I try to be optimistic and hopeful.

I am not so concerned about me or the illness. After much reading, I am confident in the treatment of today's medicine, and I am very confident in my surgeon.  He is a very accomplished man and has stellar recommendations from patients and other physicians.  I have peace that I am doing as much as I can on that front.  Still...what if?

In the depths of my heart I sometimes feel woeful for my daughters.  They have been through so much in their lives, the loss of their mother and how that will effect their lives is unimaginable.  Though I come from a large extended family, only a few cousins are really close to me.  My father is aging and I worry how my demise would hurt him.   And what about Chris?  He already lost loved ones through cancer, including Ruth (whom he lived with for 25 years before meeting me.  She died of brain cancer.  Four years later we had already dated a year, and got married.  He is a survivor and would get on with his life, I am certain.

What really fills my heart and head and keeps me up at night is "what will become of my daughters?"  Have I given them enough of a legacy of love, faith and family? Also, financially -- what can I leave them besides all of my belongings to help them through life. I feel the impulse to start doing things with Steve's (my ex-husband and their father) family to ensure that the girls have a sense of support and belonging.  I want to bring my dear cousins near me and to help the girls  know them because of their loving hearts, generous nature and faithfulness to God.  Should I not make it, hopefully the girls will feel secure in their family ties.  I worry about what will be left for them. Will Chris look after them?  Will he make sure that they are in his will?  What about Steve?  Will he be able to stabilize his life to meet the girls needs as they emerge into adulthood?  What about our faith?  Do they know enough in their hearts about the ever presence of God and his loving graces?

Chris let on that he too had been thinking about the future if I didn't make it.  Putting ease to some of my worries, he was making a variety of plans  -- all that include our daughters.  Thank you, Chris, for caring so much.